


I don't know what love is

by shiro_with_blueberries



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Citron is mentioned, Izumi is mentioned, Just Masumi trying to figure his feelings out, Kissing, M/M, Masumi is confused, Sakuya is soft, THEY ARE VERY GAY, of course there areee, tsuzukazu hints
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:02:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiro_with_blueberries/pseuds/shiro_with_blueberries
Summary: Masumi is pretty sure about his feelings for Izumi, but everything gets confusing when Sakuya confesses his feelings for him."If what I feel towards her is not love, then I don't know what love is."
Relationships: Sakuma Sakuya/Usui Masumi
Comments: 12
Kudos: 114





	I don't know what love is

"I like you."

Sakuya wasn't looking straight at him, too focused on his own fidgety fingers. Masumi opened his eyes in surprise. That wasn’t something he had expected. It made him feel something inside of him, something he didn't like at all. It was a mix of many disturbing things at the same time; something painful, piercing, twisting his guts and blocking up his throat. He didn’t know what that was, or why it was there. He at least knew Sakuya was a good guy, he was part of his family, and he liked his company a lot, even if he never showed it. But his response was pretty obvious, even if he couldn’t understand what that something coming from inside of him was trying to tell him.

"I'm sorry. I can only like the Director."

Sakuya's resigned smile made him feel that  _ something _ again. He frowned.

"I know! It's okay!"

It may be okay for him, but Masumi didn't get it. Why did he like him to begin with? And why did he tell him so, even if he perfectly knew about his feelings towards Izumi? He wished he could read what was going on in his mind, only to understand. He truly, deeply wanted to understand.

The following days he really tried to, even if he did so only by looking at him with an annoyed expression while he was all friendly with everyone as usual, wearing that smile that seemed to have its own light. On one of those occasions, when he was supposed to be doing his homework, Sakuya approached him. He didn't know what he was expecting, but his words surprised him more than they should have.

"Masumi-kun! Are you doing homework? Do you need help?"

Masumi battered his eyelashes in confusion before faking being very focused on what he was doing.

"Of course not."

So, that meant Sakuya would keep acting normal with him. He didn't know why that bothered him so much. He didn't even have to reject him all the time or ignore his feelings, because it felt like they weren't there. It should be better for him, since he already had to reject so many people at school already, and it would be a problem if he had to deal with that aura at home, too. But still, every time Sakuya acted as usual, it made him be in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

"Ah, Masumi-kun! I'll help you with that!"

He was just hanging out the laundry. Without waiting for a response, Sakuya picked up a garment and hung it. Masumi's reaction was too slow to stop him.

"It's not necessary."

"But I want to!"

There it was again. That feeling he couldn’t identify but was nasty and made him upset. He frowned and answered with a neutral tone while he was still doing his chores.

"Hey, I rejected you, right? Why do you keep acting like usual?"

He didn't stop to think about Sakuya's feelings when he spoke. He was behind some bed sheets, but Masumi could perfectly see his hands stopping for a moment. His voice was trying to look normal, Masumi guessed.

"Well... you should know, since you're the same, aren’t you? I don't mind if you don't like me back. Being next to you already makes me happy."

Sakuya was comparing his own feelings with what Masumi felt for Izumi, he noticed as much. He was right, though. He was the same. Even if Izumi didn’t like him back in that way, he was happy only by being next to her. The difference was, he tried to make her know he loved her at every opportunity. He moved the clothes out of the way until he could face Sakuya. He looked a bit down but didn't stutter to look at him in the eye, surprised by his moves.

"You haven't tried anything else."

That painful smile was back on his face. He returned his stare to his own feet while scratching the back of his head.

"Well... it's no use, after all. I had no hope to begin with. I just needed to tell you. I apologise if it was selfish."

Masumi stared at him for a while, and then kept hanging clothes out as if nothing happened. He was flooded by many feelings inside, and he could only identify anger among them. He didn't know what he was so mad at, but he was still in a bad mood that would last for days.

\---------

"Hey, hey, Tsuzuroon!"

Kazunari approached him from his back while he was writing on the balcony, which made him startle and frown at him.

"Miyoshi-san! I've told you not to do that!"

Kazunari chuckled and sat on the chair next to him.

"Sorry, sorry!"

Tsuzuru growled before continuing the conversation, still with a pissed off tone of voice.

"What do you want anyway?"

"Oh! I was just wondering what's wrong with Massu."

That made Tsuzuru almost forget his grumpy attitude. He suddenly looked confused, and totally focused on Kazunari's secretive behaviour.

"Masumi? Why?"

"Didn’t you notice? He's not stalking Izumi the same as usual and he looks all gloomy and stuff!"

"...Really?"

Tsuzuru hadn't noticed any of that. Even if they were in the same room, they didn't have that much to talk about, and they shared only a few words unless they had to deal with something important. Even if that was the case, he should've known something was off. That was why he started paying more attention to his actions from that moment onward. He only needed a couple of days to notice Kazunari was right. And of course, he couldn't leave things as they were. He felt responsible for him, and cared about him, so yeah. He had to do something.

He took his chance in the only moment Masumi wasn't wearing his headphones: when he was changing his clothes. He turned his chair to look at him and talked before he judged him for not giving him some privacy when putting his pajamas on.

"Did something happen?"

He stared back at him for a moment, then put his shirt on.

"What if it did?"

"You can tell me."

"You're just being nosy."

"I'm worried about you."

Masumi stopped his way towards his bed. He knew Tsuzuru was being honest, and he could really use some help sorting out his own feelings. And he despised talking about them, and it was embarrassing, but he couldn't keep being mad at everything or he would end up killing someone. He sighed and sat on his own chair, avoiding Tsuzuru’s inquisitive glance.

"Sakuya confessed to me."

Well, that was unexpected. He was ready for everything but that, apparently. But he couldn't act surprised or Masumi would call him nosy again and leave, so he just cleared his throat and faked being composed.

"And how do you feel about it?"

Masumi sunk into his chair when he asked that. He hugged his own legs and pouted, almost imperceptibly.

"That's the problem. I don't know."

Again, Tsuzuru was speechless.

"You don't know how you feel towards Sakuya?"

"No! That's not it!" He sat straight again, alarmed by that query. "I only have eyes for Izumi, that's out of the question."

Tsuzuru might have a guess about what was wrong with him, but he wondered if he was right. He made a risky bet.

"How do you know you love Izumi? Which feelings led you to that conclusion?"

Masumi stared at him, mistrustful. He didn't know why he asked that when he was talking about Sakuya, but every situation was good if it involved talking about Izumi.

"Because I feel like I need her by my side all the time. I want to know everything about her, and what she's doing all the time. I want her to be all mine and care about me more than about anyone else. And-"

"Enough!" Tsuzuru interrupted him. He massaged his forehead and spoke with a recriminating voice. "That's not love, dude. That's a plain obsession."

Tsuzuru said the words he did not want to hear. At all. Ever. He was tired of it, because he didn't understand. What was SO wrong about him loving Izumi so passionately? Everyone seemed to think it was something else. It made him feel sick. He stood up and raised his voice.

"What would you know about love?"

Tsuzuru frowned at him, clearly hurt by his words.

"Well, I do know!" Since Tsuzuru used such a serious and firm tone, Masumi snapped out of his anger. Of course Tsuzuru knew about love. That's not what Masumi meant. At least, his tone of voice went back to his soft usual when he kept talking. "Don't you think about how she might feel? Maybe you make her uncomfortable by being so... insistent. Maybe Sakuya doesn’t do that for the same reason."

Masumi pouted again, avoiding his stare. Izumi never told him about being uncomfortable towards him showing his feelings. Moreover, it kind of bothered him how Sakuya didn't do it. He felt as if he was worrying for nothing, because his feelings might not be real if he wasn't willing to fight at least a little bit. Maybe he wanted Sakuya to do something more, if that made any sense.

"If what I feel towards her is not love, then I don't know what love is."

That was his final statement before climbing his ladder and going into bed. Tsuzuru sighed and faced his desk again. He poked his lips with his fingers, thinking about something he could do. It was difficult to guess, since Masumi was so complicated. He felt a lot, so intensely, but that made him forget about thinking what those feelings could be, and what others might feel. Tsuzuru knew that, but he also knew there wasn’t much he could do at the moment.

\---------

Masumi knew he loved Izumi. In fact, it was the only thing he knew, the one thing that he could give for granted in his life. That couldn't be changed. Ever.

And yet, he was staring at Sakuya, menacing, while he was just chatting with Citron and Itaru over the kitchen countertop. He had been the same as usual with him: equally kind, with the smile he always wore, and giving him words of encouragement whenever he had trouble. And it made him so, so mad. Sakuya didn't seem to notice, though.

He hadn't tried anything, he didn't even mention his feelings towards him once and no one else seemed to know, either. Then, did he really feel anything at all? He doubted so. He didn’t treat him differently, he didn’t look at him in a special way, nor tried to spend more time with him than usual. Nothing. Maybe that confession was a lie, even if that was so out of character for Sakuya. He couldn’t seem to find any other explanation, and that made him even madder. He couldn’t stop looking at him, either, but he didn’t get used to that explosion of feelings whenever their glances crossed.

He brought those thoughts back to his room, where Tsuzuru was in front of the laptop. He didn't respond to his greetings and sat on his chair with his arms crossed. Tsuzuru didn't last long without sensing his stare directly at him. He looked mad, and he clearly wanted him to ask him what was wrong, as he did a week or so before.

"Hey... is something-"

"I don't know!" He didn't even let Tsuzuru finish his question. "It's just that- ugh, Sakuya is acting the same as usual. He hasn't told me about his feelings not even once after I asked him, and he hasn't tried anything else, either. I know you told me he might not want me to feel uncomfortable, but it makes me so mad, and I don’t get anything."

He let go a loud grunt out of pure frustration, because nothing could be more frustrating than not understanding yourself. To his surprise, after his nonsense tantrum and raising his stare, Tsuzuru was gently smiling at him. He hugged his leg and rested his cheek on his knee.

"You know what? Sakuya must like you a lot."

His blood was suddenly boiling through his veins, rushing into his heart and cheeks. He was relieved in anticipation, but he didn’t get why.

"What the hell? Have you listened to anything I said?"

Tsuzuru softly chuckled. His calmness only made him even more nervous. It felt as if he knew something Masumi didn't.

"Of course. But it's actually really hard to tell the person you like how you feel."

"What? You're wrong. It's really easy."

"It can be easy, yeah. But think about all the feelings it carries with it. Fear of being rejected, of things changing, of losing your friendship... I don't know, just the thought of being vulnerable in front of the person you like is scary." His tone kept lowering as he talked, as did his stare. Masumi felt kind of bad, since Tsuzuru made himself feel sad while trying to make him feel better. He tried reasoning with him with a calm voice.

"You're just talking about yourself now. It can be different. I know it can, because I know what I feel."

But did he? He felt many things, and they were just going non-stop inside of him. He felt the necessity of being close to Izumi. He felt fear of thinking about not loving her. He felt weird about his feelings being wrong. He felt anger towards Sakuya for making him feel things he couldn't recognise, things that were scary and nasty and he didn't want to face. Or maybe he was mad at himself. And that's where everything twisted and became unknown, and he had to cling onto his feelings towards Izumi.

"I'm putting an end to this."

Masumi looked so determined to do something when he was walking towards the door. That caught Tsuzuru completely off guard.

"Eh? Wait, what are you going to do?"

He stopped his steps and looked back at him with the same serious expression on his face.

"I don't know."

"Then don't look so determined!"

"I'm off."

"Masumi!"

\---------

Sakuya was really tired that day. He usually was full of energy and was able to spread it among the rest of Mankai, but right then, he just wanted to change his clothes and go to sleep already. He entered his room with a long sigh and switched on the lights. As soon as he did, he saw someone inside, leaning on the wall, staring directly at him. He gasped, but realised it was just Masumi before he could scream. He spoke with a hand on his chest and a difficult smile.

"Masumi-kun! You scared me! How did you get in here?"

"I kicked Citron out."

"You what?"

"I need to talk to you."

Sakuya was really curious about what did he do to make Citron leave the room, but his tone of voice made him realise he had some serious business going on inside his head. He slowly blinked and closed the door behind his back right away.

"What is it?"

Masumi took some steps forward and stood in front of him. Sakuya was starting to worry about that serious expression of his. Like, he was always serious, but that time felt different.

"You like me, don't you?"

Sakuya didn't get why he was bringing that issue up like that. He looked away for a second, and glanced back at him, and then avoided his stare again.

"Uh... I think you already know the answer..."

"Then, say it again."

Sakuya's fingers intertwined. He felt observed, exposed in front of Masumi. Every second that went by without their eyes meeting made the thought of facing him again more difficult. He didn’t get why his insistence in knowing about his feelings if he obviously didn’t feel the same.

"I think you're being a bit unfair with me" he dared answering. He hoped Masumi didn't get mad at him for being honest about that.

"I'm sorry if that's the case" Masumi responded, however. "I just want to understand. How do you know you like me? Because I only know a way of loving someone romantically, and it's apparently wrong. So please, tell me."

Sakuya felt that like a tease, a way to cut his guts open and see everything he had inside. But he knew Masumi was serious. Maybe asking him directly wasn't the best idea, but he didn't know what he was going through, either. He felt guilty, because that may have not happened if he didn't confess in the first place. He gulped and kept staring somewhere he wasn't paying attention to while nervously fidgeting. Everything was difficult to say.

"I... I don't know if I can put it into words. It's like… my stomach twists every time you look at me, and I get so nervous when we speak, I'm constantly fearing that you'll notice. And I wish you could feel like me. I want to stop feeling selfish whenever I imagine being with you, because I know you don't feel the same. And, well…"

He couldn't keep talking. He was overwhelmed, face and ears completely red and heart drumming as if he just got there running. Watching him like that pierced Masumi's chest once more. One more time, it made his blood boil.

"See? I don't know what's going on. I feel  _ something _ when you say stuff like that. The same thing happened when you told me you like me, or whenever you're kind with me, and it pisses me off."

Sakuya tried to understand. He tried so hard. What did he exactly do to make him mad? And why was he telling him those things? He treasured their friendship. They were family. And still, every word that came from Masumi made him feel like he fucked everything up more. He finally looked at him in the eye, with an apologetic glance.

"I'm sorry I made you feel like that. I'll keep my distance, if that's what you need."

"No." The answer came so abruptly it made Sakuya's eyebrows rise in surprise. "I don't want that. It's just scary. And it's scary because it's unknown."

He had been trying so hard to hold onto his feelings towards Izumi. And still, he wanted to know. He wished he could understand himself better and get what those feelings were. And he, maybe, wanted to  _ try _ . And, perhaps, he was being extremely selfish, ignoring Sakuya's feelings like that once more. He was the worst. Still, he somehow was craving something he knew only Sakuya could grant him, so bad it was burning inside of him.

"Can I try?"

After some seconds of processing what he just said, Sakuya understood. Masumi was looking at his lips every now and then. His face still reflected determination. He would have gotten redder if he could. He had already given up on him, even before confessing. He couldn't even begin to think about a logical sense of that situation. Plus, he didn’t know what he should do, because it was Masumi the one who asked for it, but he might just be using him to prove something to himself without realising it could hurt him. Maybe he shouldn't give in to his desires, listen to his rational self who was telling him that he shouldn't accept, because it would hurt afterwards. But that may be the only opportunity to do something like that with Masumi. And he had been silent and panicking for so long it was starting to get weird.

"Y-yes!"

Oh. Cool. So he just accepted without having reached a conclusion about what he should do. He realised too late, though.

Masumi was going to do it. He would kiss Sakuya and get what everything was about. If he had romantic feelings towards him, that would be the best way to know, because he couldn’t confuse the feeling of kissing someone he liked. He got closer, as close as he could. Sakuya closed his eyes too hard. Masumi cupped his cheek, still looking at every gesture he made. He was trembling, not knowing what to do with his hands, too nervous to think about what he was doing. He was shortening the distance between his lips when he suddenly stopped.

"I can't do this" he said, not separating himself from that astonished Sakuya. "I don't want to take advantage of your kindness."

He knew Sakuya would do whatever he asked for without thinking about himself, and that wasn't good. He didn't want to kiss Sakuya to prove anything. He would only kiss him if he really wanted to. But the thing was, Sakuya  _ really _ wanted to. He didn't have many moments when his selfish emotions took over his actions, but they existed, and everyone knew, at least the Spring Troupe. That was one of those moments, too. He wanted to kiss Masumi, he had been longing for it for so long. His cheek felt cold when Masumi took his hand off of it, and he saw how he was slowly putting some distance between them. He wouldn't let him take back what he just offered him. He grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him until their lips finally met.

That kiss lasted three seconds. In that span of time, many things happened to both of them. Sakuya exploded inside, feelings flying through every part of his body. He wasn't aware of his own actions. He only wanted to enjoy that moment, those three seconds that slowly died, unique and impossible to repeat. Those self-indulgent seconds would only make him fall even more for Masumi. He condemned himself for three seconds of pleasing himself without thinking about Masumi's feelings, nor his own. And he still knew that he would probably do it again if he could go back in time.

Masumi, on the other hand, was astonished at first. He wasn't expecting that move from Sakuya at all, not when he was on the verge of collapse just an instant before. But that was no excuse for not pushing him away. He had made the decision to not kiss him, and yet he was unable to stop it from happening. Maybe that was the answer he was looking for. The feeling in his chest and stomach softened. It was still strong and kind of painful, but it was fluttering now. His blood was boiling, but in a different way. It may be feeling like that because his heart was rushing. And his eyelashes suddenly weighed more than usual, making him slowly close his eyes. But they opened again when everything suddenly finished, and Sakuya slammed his own back against the door, trying to put distance between them. He was definitely blushing harder than him.

"I- I'm sorry! I don't know what happened to me. And after you told me that-"

"Sakuya."

He stopped talking in panic when he heard his name and then looked at Masumi. Then, his lips were on his again. Now he was the one who wasn't expecting those actions from the other. He closed his eyes again, wishing for that to be real. Masumi even dared to slowly move his lips. Sakuya wondered what he was feeling, and if it was the same as him. He wanted that kiss to mean something, to be a seal for them, somehow. He wanted it to be proof that he wasn't acting that selfishly, that Masumi liked him back. That if things changed, it would be in a good way. He tried to think of it as that, and reciprocated it clumsily, still trying to process that those lips belonged to Masumi. He also felt his hands touching his neck, caressing his cheeks, and he was helpless against that. He grabbed Masumi's jacket to bring him closer, out of pure need, following that voice inside of him that now told him that he was wanted, too. That time, the kiss was slowly broken. They were still close when it happened, eye to eye. Their breathing was heavy, too, filling the room entirely.

"Is this how it's supposed to feel?" Masumi asked as he leant his forehead to meet Sakuya's. His voice was soft, almost like the most intimate whisper they both had ever heard.

"How do you feel?" Sakuya asked back, in the same tone. He clenched his fists, fearing a new distance between them, not wanting to let Masumi go.

"I think I'm so happy I don't know what to do."

A soft chuckle made its way out of Sakuya's lips at that answer. He was too nervous, and also bursting with happiness. He was truly scared of being snatched out of that dream any minute. Masumi's smile felt too real, though.

"I don't know if there's a correct way of feeling, but... I think that will do."

Masumi was relieved, too. He knew he had things to learn, but he would be safe next to Sakuya. Those feelings only felt nasty because he was fighting them, convincing himself of knowing what was going on inside of him. Now that he came to terms with them, he knew that he liked Sakuya back, and probably had for a long time. He would have time to make up to him for being so unfair, because he wasn't planning on stopping kissing him any time soon. He wanted to try everything, to see how it made him feel, to learn how Sakuya felt, too. As he said, there wasn't a correct way of loving someone, but he knew he would try his best with Sakuya, starting from that night.

**Author's Note:**

> WELL I don't know what I just posted. I wrote this like two months ago, and posted it now... bon appetit. I like this ship a lot and wanted to do something for them, so please let me know if you liked it in a comment or leaving kudos! Hope you had fun at least, and thank you for reading!


End file.
